What if....? Thoughts on Suicide
GUEST BLOGGER: Dennis Bishop
As I write this, by the grace of God I am celebrating 40 years of being clean and sober. As I look back on my life I realize how blessed I am to be alive.
About two years ago I was diagnosed with depression, not debilitating depression like some people experience, but persistent depressive disorder. This is a mild long-term form of depression. I almost always would look at things from a negative perspective. I remember once in a church board meeting Pastor Steve saying to me “Why are you always so negative?” Now I know why. Now I can see that I have experienced this since I was a child. As a child, I would sit in my room crying and think about ways to kill myself. Don’t get me wrong I had great parents and loving brothers and sisters, it’s just the way my brain was wired. There was a 22 rifle in my closet and I would think of ways to set it up so that when someone came in my room, opening the door would cause the rifle to shoot me as I sat on my bed.
In high school, I got introduced to alcohol and drugs. Not what a depressive person needs. I joined the military and alcohol became a major factor in my life. It was in the military that I attempted suicide by taking an overdose of Darvocet pain pills. Getting your stomach pumped is not fun. But thoughts of death would pop into my mind regularly. Thoughts like “just pull out in front of that truck” or “drive into that bridge abutment”, or “just snort all this coke now”, and other crazy thoughts. To be honest some of these thoughts still enter my mind periodically. But they are just thoughts and I don’t have to act on them. I also used to think that depressed people just needed to “snap out of it” but now God has shown me that that’s not how it works. In now dealing with my depression (and I do take a medication for it, which I also used to think was a cop out for dealing with these types of issues), I see it was a gift from God to be able to help and have compassion for other people with the same health problems.
That brings me to two “What If” questions.
What if I failed in attempting to take my life? What if I ended up paralyzed or having an irreversible brain injury or could no longer care for myself? What would that have done to my family as they would have been responsible to take care of me for the rest of my life? I never thought how that would affect them as I was only thinking about myself.
What if I had been successful in ending my life? What would I have missed in life? Well first I would have missed discovering God’s loving grace and the gift of eternal life through Jesus Christ. I would have missed the wonderful things that have unfolded in my life since I began a relationship with Jesus, the King of Kings and Lord of my life. I would not have learned how to deal with pain; emotional, mental, physical, learning that all these things will pass (maybe not in my time but always in God’s time). I’d have missed being able to endure the pain in life that helps me grow in my faith. I would not have met my beautiful wife who has stuck by me through thick and thin. I’d miss having two wonderful awesome children and a beautiful godly daughter-in-law. I wouldn’t have a business doing something I love. I would have missed the fantastic godly people who are in our church now and those that have left to follow where God led them. They all have been a godsend to me because I can trust them with my life’s ups and downs and they are always there for me.
Nothing lasts forever except God and our souls. Life comes with the good and the bad, both come and go. But God never forsakes us or leaves us alone. While you may not be able to handle what is going on in your life right now, God is more than able. Suicide is a long term solution to a temporary problem.
Jeremiah 29:11 states “For I know the plans I have for you”, says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
There is so much I would have missed if I had ended my life. Pain comes and pain goes. Joy comes and joy goes. Peace comes and peace goes. This is just the rhythm of life. Don’t throw away the future and hope God has planned for your life! One day there will no longer be any more pain but only joy and peace. We all can endure until that day if we give everything to God and develop close friendships with godly people who will also carry our burdens. Galatians 6:2 says “we are to bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ”.Life is worth living. If you end it prematurely you will never know what God had planned for you and all the people’s lives you would have impacted. We need you!